Whit: Are you going for a run today?
Me: I don't think so. I have way too much to do.
Whit: Like what?
Me: Well I have housework and homework and I wanted to watch this movie.
Whit: Ok then, I'll see you later.
Several hours later.
Whit: Did you get your homework done?
Me: Nope, I got distracted, but check out this thing that I found online. Isn't it cool?
Whit: That's great but I thought you had stuff to do?
Me: I did and I do and I will! I just needed a break.
Whit: Jenn, I love you but you are doing it again!
I have issues. I know that I have them and when I am concentrating on them I can usually keep them from cropping up. Lately I am not doing so well. So shall we check the bullet points of my life for the indiscretions. Yes! Lets!
- I have a tendency to not stick with things that I plan to do. Actually, I am discovering that the more structured I make my plans, the less likely I am to stick with them. I was doing great as long as it was a matter of choosing to go for my run each day, but as soon as I put it down on paper exactly what I wanted to do, it no longer worked. Not because I could not do it or because the plan was unreasonable, but because for some reason I don't do well with structure. This is a frustrating problem because I am so totally anal retentive about order and structure. I love making plans and lists, just don't expect me to follow them. I know that I need them because otherwise I don't push myself the way I need to in order to see the results that I want, but doing what is good for me has never been my forte.
- I get stressed out a lot. Lately I have had tons of homework to tackle, family and friend obligations, money issues, car issues that revolve around money issues, can't find a job issues, and don't have time or finances for a little ego centric time issues. This has caused two things in my life, one is that the more I have to get done or deal with, the less I actually accomplish at the end of the day. The other thing is that I have reverted back to an old habit that I was hoping I had finally defeated. Escapism! I don't want to think about my life or the things that are going wrong so I escape into a book or a game or something, only to emerge hours later having successfully avoided the things I had planned for the day. I always think to myself " I will just sit for a minute and read then I will get stuff done" but I am only fooling myself, and I know it.
- All of this lovely stress has brought on another of my arch nemesis', the cigarette! I quit several months ago and was doing really well until recently. Stress is my biggest trigger for smoking and I know it. I have defeated the habit of smoking but I have not managed my trigger well enough to stop me from lighting up when things get rough.
- I am frustrated with myself, I am falling back into the arms of my old companion, depression and I go way back. In some ways it's comforting because I know what to expect when I am with depression, it holds me tight and doesn't let anything get in. However I don't want to be here anymore, I don't want to be held down. My eyes are open and I can see the surface of the ocean that I am drowning in, and I want that air so badly, but my old friend depression just holds me tighter as I struggle. I kick and scream and twist and fight, but for a while it feels like I am not accomplishing anything. I watch as the surface gets farther and farther away. I reach up my hand toward the blue sky above and start to pray for help.
- I always get rescued somehow. God is there watching out for me. Even when I am wrapped up in depression I know he is there. So why do I keep falling if I know that he is there for me? Why don't I go to him before my face goes below the water?
Sorry folks, I got off track. As you can see I am feeling pretty upset and trapped right now. I totally forgot where I was going with this post so I am going to stop now.
I think I mostly wanted to say that I was going to get back into training starting this weekend after a two week hyatis. I will post more about that another time.